God always gives me what I need

And most often, it's when I least expect it. Today has been hard. Hard to stay looking at the bright side of things. Feelings of worry, anxiety, insecurity...man I hate these emotions! They just creep in and make a nuisance of themselves while I try to keep focused on hope, of the better things to come. All this and the sun was shining today, which only makes me more upset! Upset I'm not enjoying the sun or feeling the relief the sunshine brings after a dark wet cold week. And being pregnant, I wonder, am I am making my baby depressed? Can't I just perk up so that my baby can be content and happy? I imagine these oozing, gross, depressed "neurons" traveling from my brain to my belly, infecting by baby's amniotic fluid and happy womb. Now here's the fight scene: the amniotic fluid builds up it's armor and fights off the oozing, gross depressed "neurons" and leaves them scattered in the dust. My womb is still happy, my baby is content and Momma is OK! (this is the fight scene that happened after God gave me what I needed). So all this sort of low-grade desperation today, and then it happens, when I least expect it; God gives me what I need. A friend emails and says he has people prepared to pray for us during worship on Sunday. Exactly what I needed. Exactly the glimpse of hope I needed to see. Exactly the button to open up my tear ducts and let them flow out all that negativity and gross depression. God is always good. ALWAYS. And He reminds me of that, when I least expect it, on a day when I wasn't able to convince myself that, yes He truly is GOOD.

Part II, A Brief Synopsis: At 19 weeks, when we happily learned our child is a GIRL, we also learned her right lung is larger than the other. On Monday, Jan 25th, at 21 weeks, we spent the day at the University of Washington Maternal and Infant Care Clinic. There we saw the specialists who deal with special babies and their mothers. We are incredibly grateful for our experience there, which I had anticipated to be very cold, unfriendly and pushy. Instead, the people were warm, kind, patient and very explanatory. They determined our daughter has what's called a CCAM of the lung. I'll type it out word for word in another post. Basically, it's a growth of the lung, like a cyst or tumor. Thankfully, it is not pushing on her heart like they'd thought it was originally!!!!! CCAMs can stay the same size, shrink, or get bigger. We are praying that it will shrink and not cause our daughter any problems! This means that the birthing center birth with the lovely mid-wife that I'd found will not be happening and that I'll delivering at the UW where the Perinatologists and Pediatricians especially trained for high-risk babies will be at hand. We are SUPER thankful that we have the UW 30 minutes from home, and that these people were so kind and helpful.

Part III, In Conclusion: The diagnosis we received on Monday is the best of the three possibilities that we'd originally gotten. So, all in all, it is good news. It frustrated me so badly today that I couldn't embody the emotion of gratefulness or good news. Instead I felt worry and overwhelm. They are doing close monitoring of her lung, so I'll be going in for ultrasounds at first in 3 weeks, then every 2 weeks after that. It seems so daunting to have a "high-risk" baby and to have these special case appointments and special care. But then, when I least expect it, I am given what I need. My heart is free to express and I sense the promise of better things to come.